There’s this sense of desperation that I live with every day. It’s a constant overwhelming heaviness of doing more for our daughter. I start to think about the years ahead and panic starts filling me, what if. I have this urgency to do all the therapy now.
One of our new therapists that works with our daughter recently told me the next two years are going to be key for us. I about wanted to curl up on her floor in the fetal position with a paper bag.
You guys, this special needs thing consumes me. It consumes all of my energy, all of my time, all of my thoughts. It is my obsession. The next therapy, the next thing to try. The next hope that this will make a difference for her, for us.
I recently had to make a list of my hobbies, what I enjoy doing in my spare time. You know what I do in my spare time, I research my daughter’s diagnosis. I read book after book and blog post after blog post. That is my spare time.
My life is consumed by her diagnosis.
And this my friends is a problem. This left me with no room for anything else. No room to breathe. I let go of taking care of myself.
But it doesn’t have to keep going this way.
It takes self determination to let go and move away from special needs consuming our life. It takes space to live with special needs just as they are present in this moment, not expecting change and not praying them away.
It takes discipline for me not to do my absolute best to fix this, to try to fix her. It takes a daily reminder for me to step back, let go and breathe. It’s not something to be fixed, it’s something to live with daily. To love her more, meltdowns and all.
As I am writing this, this song came on my music feed.
“Come and rest here
Come and lay your burdens down
Come and rest here
There is refuge for you now”
Oh, how I needed these words. It’s the direction I need to go in. The letting go and the leaning in to what I need. Giving ourselves the time for rest, the time to recharge and to fill our life are the best things we can do for our lives as special needs parents.
Last week, I was scheduled to volunteer in Miss S’s classroom. Last week, was also so epically (is that a word?) bad that I just couldn’t even do it. It was the out of control, minute my minute, kind of days. For the first time in our life with her, I put myself first. I notified her teacher that I wouldn’t be in to help that day and I stayed home and filled myself up for the day so that I could be ready for Miss S when she got home.
You know what, it was the best decision I’ve ever made.
That is my challenge for you this week. How can you put yourself first this week? Even if it is just a small few minutes of the day, schedule it this week!!