Dear special needs mama who feels heartbroken,
This is an emotional journey. It’s not one I would have chosen, in fact in my case it’s one that I knew would be too much for me. I knew that it was more than I could handle. When we were filling out paperwork for our adoption, I didn’t select special needs situations. I didn’t think I could handle it.
You know that saying that God doesn’t give you more than you can handle… yes that saying is completely not true.
If you’ve been heartbroken through the worry of what if something is different with my baby and in getting a diagnosis.
If you’ve been broken in navigating a new language (SLP, OT, PT) and the many medical terms you’ve learned along the way.
If this wasn’t how you thought motherhood would be.
You’ve fought your way to get your child in with therapists that might help. You’ve fought your way to get your child help in school and you’ve won and you’ve lost. And you are battle scarred…
If you thought parenting wouldn’t be this tough. The sleepless nights, early wake-ups, food battles, clothing issues and everyday tasks becoming your biggest challenges.
If you’ve been living life so precise in order to try to maintain some level of peace.
If you’ve been carrying the weight of the mess of every day.
The meltdowns. The yelling. The hitting. The biting.
Finding out that your heart hurts more than you ever knew it could.
If you’ve been making it to endless therapy appointments that may or may not help.
And struggling to get through the day.
It’s ok to feel broken. It’s ok that this is tough. It’s ok to be angry.
It’s ok to wonder where God is in the midst of this and it’s ok to not know.
I’m right there too. I’m in the thick of it. I’m wondering where and if change will ever happen. I’ve done everything I can as a Mom.
Every night, as her eyes close and her little self finally settles down to sleep. I see her peace. But more than anything love overwhelms me. I was just what she needed. I was what she needed even though I thought special needs would be more than I can handle. I’m not perfect and this has broken me to pieces but she needs all of me. And she’ll take me broken.
In all the hard and the difficult and the broken there’s a peace to this. There’s something more than meltdowns and challenges here. I don’t even really know what it is yet.
But, I’ve learned to not give up no matter what. No matter how I feel and even when I feel like I can’t go on.
Despite the brokenness, this journey has changed me for the better. It’s changed my heart.
I’ve found my place in this brokenness. To be broken and overwhelmed with love all at the same time.
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