It wasn’t too long ago that I was venting to my Mom about some of our challenges with our daughter. What she said next was something that shocked me. She said, “Well, you signed up for this, you wanted this.”
You know those moments in life where you wish you had a better come back, this is one of those times that I actually knew exactly what to say. Although, this hurt me deeply that she said that. I responded with, “No, Mom this is not what I wanted. I wanted to be a just a mom.”
I never signed up for multiple therapy appointments in a week or even in a day.
I never signed up for sleep deprivation that lasts 6 plus years.
I never wanted to spend more time doing in home Occupational Therapy, Psychology Homework, Vision Therapy, Physical Therapy or Speech and Language therapy than just being with my daughter.
I never signed up for the constant research of therapists and techniques.
I never wanted to have endless therapists not know quite what to do with our daughter.
I never signed up to have to fight to get help for her or for us.
I just wanted to be, just a mom.
I wanted to soak in her laughter. Comfort her hurts. Be there for every big and little moment. And not be clouded by the weight of multiple disorders.
Another conversation I had with my husband when something like this:
Me complaining (the short version): “I’m tired of appointments. This is so hard. I’m tired of being hit. I’m tired of trying every therapy method under the sun. I don’t know what to do. I want to be just a mom.”
Husband (the short version): “You are never going to be just a mom, you don’t have just a kid.”
“You are always going to be a special mom, you are never going to be just a mom.”
I won’t ever be just a mom.
I have a 25×30 occupational therapy room in my house, swings galore and a ball pit.
I’ve learned how to be an Occupational Therapist.
Physical Therapist. Speech and Language Pathologist. Vision Therapist. Psychologist.
And expert in my daughter and only my daughter.
I can see when she’s spiraling out of control.
I know how to help her best even when I doubt my ability.
Although, I won’t ever be just a mom. I am the mom my child needs me to be.
There’s more worth in the rare moments of good and celebrations of success while carrying the heaviness of being a special mom than I will ever know.
It takes a strong mom to balance the needs, the appointments and the emotional weight to fight through all the challenges and find small amounts of joy in this journey. You are just the mom your child needs you to be, too.
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