Life, is pretty hard as it is. Add a few things in and it just seems more than I can handle. You know the mix, an argument with your significant other, the kind where you go to bed still upset.
The kind where you disagree about parenting and where everything said between two people seems like the complete opposite and where it seems like neither one of us makes any sense at all. The kind where you just can’t seem to get anywhere.
Add in, a morning where everything is off for Miss Sensory and I yell. I was angry, I get mad when I get argued with. When I try to get Miss Sensory’s attitude in check and when nothing works.
Then, the normal challenges of morning, shoes and all the things to remember are off. This morning we forgot two much needed items to survive the day at school, a stretchy bracelet and a watch. I told her if we went back home and got them she may not have time to go outside. So what happens, we get to school and the bell rings, which means she needs to be in class, no time to go outside. I end up with a Kindergarten who is hiding behind me and hitting and kicking me. So far today, I’m really winning at parenting, right??
At this point, her language skills are shut down and emotionally I want to burst. Somehow, I peel her off of me, she gives me a hug and walks to her desk.
On the drive back home, this song came on and I was flooded with emotions.
All I could think was, My Christmas isn’t Merry, because my heart isn’t light.
You guys… this sensory parenting thing. It is HEAVY! It’s not easy. This morning I was trying my best and I was still failing. That is the worst feeling in the world.
I don’t know how to have a Merry Christmas when Miss Sensory is everything less then MERRY. It is such a challenge to stay Merry myself, when parenting an unhappy child.
Day in day out, I carry the weight of parenting a child with special needs, it gives me knots in my stomach. The second her feet hit the ground, my heart starts racing. I wonder, what kind of a day it will be. Will be it be magical or will be awful, I can usually tell by the sound of her feet. Picking her up from school is the same way, I practically am hyperventilating wondering if she’s going to explode in the car on the way home. My heart is far from light, it is broken. It is broken parenting a hurting child.
So these words: Have yourself a Merry little christmas. Let your heart be light…
I wonder how these words ring true in the midst of my circumstances. In the midst of an un-merry season? I don’t talk about faith on my blog, because my faith is messy. There’s a few things I haven’t worked through yet, like faith and special needs. I’m far from saying this is a blessing in any way shape or form, that’s a story for another day.
But today, in this season, I am humbled in the messy as I know the truth in the midst of all my mess. Having a Merry Christmas, doesn’t depend on my circumstances. I doubt Mary, considered giving birth in the inn, with a donkey watching Merry. It was less than perfect. Maybe even, anything less than Merry.
You see when I focus on my trouble, I lose sight of the real Merry in Christmas. The birth of my Savior. It’s not about how I feel about my life, it’s about the truth of faith despite how I feel. It’s not about all my messy life circumstances, today finding Merry in knowing that Christmas is simply about recognizing the birth of the Savior, that is enough.